Getting to the source of a conflict

So maybe this doesn't need to be explained, but I feel compelled to illustrate just how important it is (to me anyhow) to get to the source of a conflict. I lay out this explanation because it's why I think it's worthwhile and important in mediation to try and get to the deeper issues in a conflict.

Imagine a couple in a relationship and living together. For the sake of convenience and clarity I'm going to use the example of a wife and husband. The wife comes home from her high-paying job and asks the husband to make dinner. The husband gets upset at the request, refuses to make dinner, and tells his wife that it's her turn to make dinner. The argument goes something like this:

WIFE: My turn? I just got home from work, you've been home all day!
HUSBAND: Yeah, but I work from home. It's not like I do nothing all day long.
WIFE: I know, but you're not doing anything right now and I have work to get done before my meeting tomorrow.
HUSBAND: I have school work to get done tonight.
WIFE: Well what have you been doing all day then? Why isn't your school work done already?
HUSBAND: Because there is a lot of it. I didn't finish it all. Why didn't you do your work when you were home all day yesterday?
WIFE: Oh, maybe because I was cleaning the whole damn house. Why didn't you do your school work when you were home yesterday instead of being on the phone all day?
HUSBAND: Oh my God! I was on the phone working on a project with a classmate. Don't you dare accuse me of not doing my work...

So this could go on and on. Notice how when they get upset they begin to blame each other. The husband feels that he uses his time productively and when that is challenged, he turns the tables on his wife who does the same thing. This cycle of blame could go on forever. Now, if this came to mediation, the topics to be resolved would most likely be "Dinner", could possibly include, "Housework and Homework" and maybe even might include, "Phone Calls or Communication".

If we don't dig at all, this is about dinner and deciding whose turn it is to cook dinner tonight. If they took this to court a judge would likely decide who should make dinner. They wouldn't even get to talk about the homework or housework or anything else. They may get to talk about those things in arbitration, but it's likely that their agreement will just reflect the dinner problem. In Transformative mediation they might even get to talk about the other topics and make agreements around them. In Community Mediation though, we dig further through open-ended questions and get beyond what is on the surface. We don't intuit or guess what else there might be, but we ask very general questions and let the participants get to the root cause of the problem.

For the sake of this example, I want to create a fictional, but possible, train of thought for the husband. Let's say the conversation between husband and wife continued, but they were not blaming each other and instead were very compassionate listeners who wanted to get to the ultimate source of the husband's frustration. The following illustrates the layers of conflict leading up to this dispute.

Layer 1. It's your turn to make dinner
Layer 2. I have work to do and don't have time to make dinner.
Layer 3. Well I made dinner twice this week already and all last week and you haven't made dinner once.
Layer 4. It's unfair that I have to make dinner all of the time.
Layer 5. It would be nice if even just once you made dinner.
Layer 6. Maybe you should manage your time better so you have time to make dinner when dinner when you come home and do your work at the office.
Layer 7. You're my wife. I should expect that you would want to make me dinner at least once in a while.
Layer 8. All of my friends' wives make their husbands dinner.
Layer 9. We were at the game this past weekend and they all told me so.
Layer 10. In fact, they gave me a hard time because I do all the cooking.
Layer 11. Their wives cook for them just like my mother cooked for us.
Layer 12. My father would come home and dinner would be on the table.
Layer 13. I know that I don't "come home" but I still work all day.
Layer 14. I get it! My being in school isn't the same as you bringing in all of the income, but it's still important.
Layer 15. I just feel like I'm turning into a housewife. I'm home all day and now I have to do the cooking too.
Layer 16. I want to dedicate all my free time to my school work so when I graduate I'll have straight A's and get a get high-paying job.
Layer 17. It feels really weird with you making all the money and me cooking dinner. I just didn't really see my life being this way.
Layer 18. No, it's not that I'm unhappy, but I just always thought I would be the one making the money in this relationship.
Layer 19. Because that is what I grew up around. My dad worked and my mom stayed home and cooked.
Layer 20. I always felt like my mom wanted to do more with her life, but she ended up getting relegated to the kitchen.
Layer 21. I'm starting to feel like my life is turning out that way, and I still have a lot dreams to accomplish.


WHOA! There we go. It takes a lot to get to that bottom layer. People don't just walk into an argument and scream, "It's your turn to make dinner, because it depresses me that my mother never pursued her dreams, and I'm afraid the same thing is happening to me, and every time I cook dinner for you it's a reminder of all of the things I haven't accomplished in my life I'm scared that I'll never accomplish anything!" Through exploration though, they get to issues like gender equality and inequality, the influence of friends, the model of right and wrong instilled in us by our families. There are all of these other issues that can be understood and possibly resolved if they are explored.

If they come to mediation and only resolve the topic of who is going to make dinner, this argument is going to come up again and again every time dinner needs to be made. They might make a plan that gives them more equality, e.g., "Husband cooks Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Wife cooks Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and on Sundays they order in." They might even address some of the other topics. In Community Mediation though, the mediators ask a lot of questions. We basically try to get the participants to open and we give them a safe place to express and explore their feelings. That way they may be able to peel back the layers of their onion of a conflict and get to what is really causing their emotions. That way, they can better understand themselves and each other, and it can inform how they continue on in this relationship.

If the wife knows that her husband feels unaccomplished, she may do more to encourage him or to allow him time to do school work. I use this example because I am in a relationship that works in this way. My partner and I have conversations that turn into arguments that turn back into conversations that last for hours. We get down to the root causes of our feelings. It's not easy and it takes a lot of time and effort, but it strengthens our bond and our understanding and appreciation of each other. This is what I hope I can offer to mediation participants. My partner and I know we can safely explore those feelings with each other, and so I try to create that safe environment in mediation.

I'd be really interested in hearing your thoughts on this as well.

P.S. I know that my example instills the wife with a lot of responsibility, patience, and understanding. I don't mean to imply that women have to remain unheard while their husbands explore their emotional layers. This process requires reciprocation on both sides.