Giving and Receiving Feedback

Giving and Receiving Feedback: the Do’s and Don’ts

Giving feedback is not always easy. We get so focused on what is going on in the mediation that we forget to take note of our plusses and deltas. As mediators though, getting and giving feedback is an important part of our skill development. It may be hard to select certain plusses and deltas, but we must remember to always do this. There is no such thing as a perfect mediator and every mediator has a style and technique that can be improved upon. It's important to recognize what mediators are doing well (plusses), and to identify areas for improvement (deltas).

So, how do we give effective feedback? Plusses should always be given first. One mediator will give themselves plusses, and then their co-mediator will give them plusses. By giving ourselves plusses first, it allows us to congratulate ourselves and highlight what skills we've developed and what we're comfortable with. Then that same mediator will give themselves deltas, and then their co-mediator will give themselves deltas. This allows us to identify what we need to work on and to outline a plan for that improvement to happen. It's important for us as mediators to recognize where we need improvement. We're less likely to get defensive about hearing deltas if we have identified them for ourselves.

Feedback formula:
-Mediator 1 gives her or himself Plusses
-Mediator 2 gives Mediator 1’s Plusses
-Mediator 1 gives her or himself Deltas
-Mediator 2 gives Mediator 1’s Deltas

-Mediator 2 gives her or himself Plusses
-Mediator 1 gives Mediator 2’s Plusses
-Mediator 2 gives her or himself Deltas
-Mediator 1 gives Mediator 2’s Deltas

-Observers give Plusses for both Mediators
-Observers give Deltas for both Mediators

If you cannot identify plusses or deltas for yourself, or for your co-mediator, sometimes opening up a conversation about what happened in the mediation can help identify plusses and deltas. If that doesn't work, you can ask your co-mediator or observers what your plusses and deltas were. Just be sure to remain open to hearing and accepting the feedback. Remember, feedback is always RESPECTFUL AND HONEST!!!


So what do you do when someone has a hard time hearing or accepting your respectful and honest feedback?

One thing to remember is that sometimes mediators may have a hard time accepting feedback, especially when it comes from newer mediators. It's important to keep in mind that we are not here to be critical, but we are here to help. If you are a new mediator or observer, you can always remind the mediators that new mediators come straight from training with the most current information, without having developed their own personal mediation style, and that they tend to be very process oriented. So new mediators, while not experienced, tend to provide some of the most on-target feedback.

How you give that feedback is key to how it will be accepted. If a mediator has many deltas, it's best to boil them down to just three. Your role as co-mediator or observer is not to bombard your co-mediator with everything they did wrong, but to give feedback that will help them develop their skills. Find the three things that either seemed the most detrimental to the process, or are areas where you can give suggestions for change. If you know a mediator might have a tough time accepting deltas, you may even find one major delta to give, and then make the other deltas focused on two minor things.

Giving deltas should not be critical, but should open up a conversation. If possible, instead of just giving a delta, say what you noticed and then ask, "what are your thoughts about that", or, "what was your strategy by doing it that way?" That way it gives your co-mediator a chance to defend their action, see the flaw in their action themselves, and it opens up the conversation for other mediators and observers in the room to get involved and give feedback on that particular delta.

Deltas are not just things that someone did wrong. They are areas for change. If you give a delta, always be sure that you are also giving a suggestion for how the mediator might improve in that particular area. A delta should never sound like, "I think it wasn't very helpful the way you reframed the topic of finances before you put it on the topics list". A delta should sound like, "I was concerned that when you reframed finances, you reflected a lot of feelings and values to John, but only reflected feelings to Debbie. It felt unbalanced and didn’t seem neutral. You could have tried to incorporate Debbie's need for inclusion, transparency and security around finances. You did a really good job when you reframed Housework though, because you included feelings and values for both participants, so if you could do that with every topic, I think you'll be on track."



Delta formula:

What you noticed + why it wasn't working/how it affected the process + what could be done to improve it next time=positive change

Also, be sure to ask your co-mediator how you can help them improve that delta.

Finally, deltas should build on what was done well. We give deltas after plusses because we want to build on what we're doing well by improving the things we're not doing as well.

Think of the plusses and deltas conversation as:

"Here is what we're doing really well and why it's working, and (note, it's not but) here is what we are not doing well and why it's not working, and here is what we can do to improve."